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Politics is now like a mystery charra tour. Off you go singing while the driver extols the joys to come. Later you wake up feeling sick, it’s getting dark and you’ve not arrived anywhere. The driver still burbles on. But you’re lost and there’s nothing the passengers can do about it.
Thursday 27 May
Canvassing is marvelous. Like a walking focus group as people discuss their problems, Iraq, their views on the government, and Grimsby.
The election is a nicer l983. Then it was “We’ve always been Labour but….”. Now the “but” is silent. Unlike the word “Blair”. It’s a grumbling not a grateful nation, fed up about crime, cops, local government services, and asylum seekers who’re apparently driving round in free taxis while eating swans.
Locally Labour`s on mission impossible. Liberals and Conservatives have withdrawn candidates against each other in coalition with the ODPM claiming that he’s told them to cut spending that helps the poor, and to maintain political stability.
John Prescott isn’t coming to Grimsby to campaign for them though Keith Hill has written to my local paper to say I’m a liar, and that wasting millions to give away billions in council housing is sound commercial sense. Even though it would be illegal to float a crooked company on the prospectus put out.
Tuesday l June
To Scotland on an Armed Forces visit to sail down the Clyde then visit a nuclear sub. Submariners claim that their value isn’t recognized because they spend their time sitting silently at the bottom of the sea. Just like Labour backbenchers.
Wednesday 3 June
To the Chamber of Commerce‘s great debate on regional government. My opponent is John Watson, former MP for Skipton, who lost his job in Northern Ireland when he was asked who should be Prime Minister if Mrs. T fell under the proverbial bus. He answered “the bus driver”. Brave then. John’s terrified now about regional government.
I level with the audience by explaining that Tony Blair loathes devolution, so John Prescott hasn’t been allowed to give Yorkshire any real powers. They should vote for it as a base to build on, not its piddling reality, and give Tony a kick. This works. I get a third of the vote. Better than I’ve ever got before.
Friday 4 June
Meeting with North East Lincolnshire’s new council leadership and officers. We are effectively being run by the ODPM. John Prescott has done to us what he daren’t do to Hull, which is in a worse mess but gets better treatment.
It’s crucial to keep John in his job. Having crucified Labour in local government he’s destroyed local parties because Labour councilors are their backbone, which makes it vital to do the same for the Liberals and Tories who now run councils. Too late for niceness.
Wednesday 9 June
The election is a postal ballot so it’s over for all practical purposes. I prowl the streets looking for people who’ve not voted so as to force them to fill in their ballot papers at gun point. Then I drive round in the loudspeaker car begging people to bring out their ballots. No one does.
Thursday l0 June
Best polling day weather for yonks but it isn’t polling day. No voters visible. I drive round with a loudspeaker stirring up apathy.
Later that night...The count is delayed for two hours for two bags of late mail from Doncaster. Apart from this, postal voting has worked well here except for a few oldies who tore the papers up because they didn’t understand them. Hostility to postal voting comes from Tories, who thought it would boost Labour, and racists who thought it would be fiddled by immigrants.
Labour does well in North East Lincolnshire because we did so badly last time. There’s nowhere to go but up. The Returning Officer refuses my plea to announce Tory or Liberal victors as Lib/Con, though it’s vote Liberal get a Tory for free.
Friday 11 June
To the Yorkshire International Business Convention, an exciting mix of business Gurus (like revivalist preachers), comedians such as Rory Bremner and William Hague (who’s funnier), plus the Boston Philharmonic Conductor and Hans Blix who gets a great reception. It’s amazing how brilliant people become when they are ex-leaders. Must mention that to Tony.
Evening... Dinner at Harewood House. This is how M.Y.P.s will live after Home Rule.
Sunday 13 June
UKIP triumphs in the Euro elections and the (non Jordan) National Front does well. Politicians ignore this or condemn UKIPPERS at their peril. The people are trying to tell us something. They don’t like Europe. They’re fed up with being told the EU is good for them when they know it isn’t. They think the declining parts of our towns are disaster areas. We should do something about all this not treat the people as if they’ve farted.
Monday l4 June
To Grimsby College to judge the National Seafood Cooking Competition with College teams from all over Britain competing to cook the best fish dishes.
Having watched Hell’s Kitchen and Edwina Currie’s technique of “Yes Chef, No Chef, Three Stuffed Turkeys Full Chef”, I do the same. Edwina is now a star of the speakers` circuit at £5000 a speech. Less than William Hague’s £25,000 but Edwina does a nice desert as well.
Tuesday 15 June
Mervyn King, the Governor of the Bank of England, is turning into Montague Norman II. The Monetary Policy Committee is the new enemy within, fighting inflation by putting it up, through ever higher interest rates to undermine Labour. Gordon needs growth if he’s not to increase taxes. He needs the house price and credit boom to go on until the election.
They’re determined to stop all three. Gordon should know that the interests of Labour and the people are never uppermost in the hearts (if such there be) of bankers. Bankers` Rule is not OK.
Wednesday 16 June
The Great House of Commons` Cycle Ride. With my usual organizational flair, I turn up at the Tate. The ride starts from Tate Modern. I get the worst of all words, missing the ride and arriving too late to take the photos. John Prescott will be putting ODPM “advisers” into my office at this rate.
Final thoughts...
The electorate has told both Tony and Michael to think again. Neither shows any signs of doing so.
To press on regardless means more “choice” in public services, which people don’t want, which costs more, and divides the party. Tony has learned nothing and forgotten nothing.
Instead of the Labour policies we need we’ll have more public service follies, more troops to Iraq, and a climb down on the Euro Constitution. Exactly the opposite of what the nation wants but Tony is still convinced he can persuade anyone to anything. Time to put him on a short leash. |
