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Doldrum Days. We`re waiting for Gordo. Parliament ticking over. Nothing much to do. Disorientation because we don`t know who to be sycophantic to. A Party of creeps needs to know who to grovel to.
Even Tommy McAvoy has become benign. He tells me, if I feel rigor mortis coming on, I can die at home rather than in the Chamber. Bless him. He’s one of only three Ministers who`ve held the same job from the start of the glorious revolution. Next week he’ll be one of one.
May 28 to 3 June To Canada. Far from a de-caff-America, it`s a wonderful country but their Parliamentary Question Time is even worse than ours. Michael Ignatief, once the smooth mellifluous TV philosopher, is now Deputy Leader of the opposition and reduced to hurling custard pies with the rest. When they hit his colleagues burst into loud applause. Thank God we can`t applaud here. If New Labour could applaud it would take up the whole half hour.
Tuesday 5 June To Brighton for the GMB Conference. Powerful speech by Gordon. .Nick Brown and I then address a tumultuous audience of five on council housing. I announce that Labour needs a Housing Minister in Cabinet to drive building forward. Indeed, there’s the very man to do the job on the platform, though some might find him too old for the job. Audience looks bemused. Two people discover they`re at the wrong meeting and leave.
Wednesday 6 June Conference at the Icelandic Embassy on the prospects for Icelandic fish imports. Looks like catch reductions to protect the stocks but it`s good that they want to keep us in touch. When I was first elected a great graffiti in Grimsby proclaimed “Death to all Icelandic Bastards”. Now it needs repainting as “Welcome to Icelandic cod and Icelandic bastards too”. Total silence from Icelandic vessel owners.
Friday 8 June To Preston to consult our barrister on the prospects for a judicial review of compensation for Icelandic fishermen. He doesn’t think it`s possible until we mention that £8 million is involved. At that point the cash register rings and he begins to talk of the possibility of “doing something”. I have to leave to belt back to Grimsby for the Chamber of Trade before finding out what.
Saturday 9 June Surgery is unusually complicated. Difficult medical negligence cases which the lawyers don’t seem to want any more. Fishermen`s compensation. Ditto. More asylum seekers. Little Liam is so obsessed with clearing them all out, it`s difficult to know whether to emphasise their value to the country, which tells him where they live so he can deport them to get the numbers up, or tell them to go into hiding.
Tuesday 12 June Despite illness (a septic hand turning into a big clunking fist) I struggle on to Standing Committee on the Further Education Bill. They should replace government backbenchers on standing committees with migrants from Eastern Europe. They won`t understand it but neither do we. They`ll be totally silent. That`s our job too and they`ll be better looking.
Evening Media Group Party at Channel Four. A splendid affair, despite the collapse of Hazel Blears HQ (deny rumours that other five candidates are being questioned) which has produced traffic chaos all over Westminster. Ruined by me when I introduce Tessa Jowell as Tessa Wyatt. Stunned silence from the TV glitterati.
Now there`s no chance of replacing Paxperson.
Thursday 14 June Stage a one man rebellion to relieve boredom in the standing committee. Ian Cawsey, the Whip, threatens dire penalties, even reporting me to Tommy. Finally he angrily announces he`ll not put me on a standing committee again. Crime pays.
Friday 15 June Yorkshire and Humber Seafood Group to report my experiences on inspection patrol. As we approached three men line fishing in a boat off Whitby, they stood up, raised their arms and shouted “We thought we were in Iraqi waters. Honest.”
Afternoon To Young’s Seafood in Grimsby to incite them to raise a two fish finger salute to Bird’s Eye who have now moved Grimsby and Hull fish finger production to Germany. They should fight back by building on Grimsby`s marvellous TV adverts: “Great Grimsby. Home of Fish”. They decline to add “And Austin Mitchell”.
Weekend 16 & 17 June Meditation on the deputy leadership candidates. My God, what an innocuous, conformist lot they are, all competing for a job that’s beneath them.
Apart from John Cruddas who`s rightly campaigning to scrap the job and turn it into the voice of people and party, there are no original ideas but huge dollops of “Mustapha Politics”: mustapha larger membership, mustapha listening government, mustapha better environment, Mustapha lot less poor. It shows how stultified we`ve become over ten years of Tony that there should be such intense competition for a non job which is as useful as the vice captain of a netball team. Even the American Vice Presidency isn`t “worth a bucket of warm spit”. Spiro Agnew used to say autumn was the best time for the vice president because the leaves needed sweeping up but there aren`t any in Downing St. Leaves are taken away for contamination testing as soon as they fall.
Deluged with calls from Deputy Dawg candidates. Having flogged off my first and second placings I am now calling for offers on third and fourth. Hire a telephone agency in Bangalore to process the calls.
Monday 18 June To Grimsby Institute for the National Seafood Cooking Competition. Eight college teams compete in the finals. Brilliant cooking. My fellow judges, mostly master chefs, all enthuse about dishes, taste, textures, presentation. I just eat solidly on. Lunch isn`t provided.
Tuesday 19 June Working on amendments for next week’s Tribunals Courts and Enforcement Bill. This iniquitous measure allows bullying bailiff to break into the hovels of the poor, beat them up, cart off their goods, cars and ipods, and dump them if they can`t be sold for peanuts. It will be disastrous when Mervyn King`s obsession with ever higher interest rates bursts the credit bubble. Yet no-one seems bothered.
Wednesday 20 June Six monthly replay of the Euro-lags versus Euro-loons match. Euro-lags win all the time but the government then virtually ignores us and always gives in to the EU. Politicians are falling into discredit and viewed as liars who never listen, and the EU`s festival of lies imposed on the people whether they want it or not, is largely to blame. There are lies, damn lies, and Euro Crap.
Thursday 21 June Summer Solstice, though with Piara Khabra’s sad death I am now the twelfth oldest MP. Reach for the Botox bottle and get my hair cut to take a few years off and send Tommy some clippings on the fate of carers who mistreat the old. Resolve to pray every morning for the good health of Peter Tapsell, Gwyneth Dunwoody, Dennis Skinner, et al. They don’t make em like us anymore.
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Next week will bring the excitement of the dawn of socialism, a new leader, a new reshuffle and a nice big dose of the Hawthorne effect.
We`re replacing an actor who played the part of Prime Minister, with a Prime Minister who`s got to learn to be an actor. So it`s Ave Atque Vale to Tony who came in with excitement but goes out with embarrassment. If it hadn`t been for Iraq we’d all be chanting “Ten More Years” but we do need a fixed eight year term for prime ministers. After that they`re either broken or barmy. Put “in my beginning is mine end” on the can. |
