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WAR DIARY - PVT AUSTIN MITCHELL (GRIMSBY SAPPERS)
Welcome to my War Diary, written at a secret location behind the lines and officially approved under war emergency powers. Jokes censored by Geoff Hoon along with references to army boots and the SA80 rifle. Peter Mandelson took time off from editing the Hartlepool Sycophant to rewrite my comments on Tony Blair. Alistair Campbell has exorcised all references to Government/American policy, while Tommy MacAvoy refuses to allow me to reveal how I would have voted had he not stopped me from voting at all. This diary is published on a "need to know" basis only to those who voted the Bush/Blair ticket.
NOTE: THIS TEXT NOT YET CLEARED BY PENTAGON.
Written at an undisclosed location behind the lines. Subject to military censorship by Brigadier Lazarus Mandelson (Cashiered), recalled to national service from editing the Hartlepool Sycophant.
Tuesday 18 March
The day war broke out my missus said to me "Austin, you`re free to vote how you wish on this war". So sat through the long and boring debate. Even though I`ve not spoken on this issue before I wasn`t called, so the most powerful speech against war wasn`t delivered.
Had it been I`d have pointed out that we are marching to an American drum to an American timetable. Tony`s done a good job pushing the US to work through the UN, he now has to pay the price of being a wheel on the American wagon. Daft to go to war now. Inspections are working. Troop concentrations are pushing Saddam into more concessions. Tony`s claim that if we don`t use the troops we`ll have to bring them home is plain silly. The alternative to using is to keep them there and build up the numbers to the half million American military think we`ll need to do the job.
Sat through the entire debate (in which the best contribution came from the gallery). Stormed out at 9.15 furious at this first act of war censorship.
In the lobby Tommy MacAvoy grabbed me warmly by the throat and took me into the Whips` office where he gently explained that the media, not him I had to understand, were saying that Tony would step down if more Labour MPs voted against than for him. Such rebellions had sealed the fate of earlier Prime Ministers like Neville Chamberlain (he recited the May 1940 voting figures), Lloyd George and Ramsay Macdonald. He then unveiled the Whips` own calculations which looked pretty accurate on the colourings for people I knew. They added up to 173 for Blair 179 against. Did I want to be personally responsible for bringing down the most successful election winner Labour had ever had? His figures were 40 (ie 20 individuals) out. They contradicted my own expectations that the anti vote would fall after Tony`s powerful speech as the creeps struggle for excuses to get back on board. But I don`t think I was being conned. They were in a panic.
Wednesday 19 March
No sooner has he got our permission than Tony`s launched his war and his new starring role of Robin to Bush`s batman.
Thursday 20 March
Buff-Hoon now makes the war announcements with all the presence and excitement of a country solicitor on a property case. Stand up straight man! Shoulders back! Bring back Ian Macdonald. Far more exciting.
Monday 24 March
Patrick Cormack has cut my Diary out of the House Magazine. It was scheduled and on time, but replaced at the very last minute by a boring diary written by Patrick defending the government, the war, and Our Glorious Leader who Patrick is clearly more devoted to than his own. Monstrous. My loud protests are met with a bland statement that he`s the editor and I go over the top. Which I do but that wasn`t the excuse he gave in his note. Gisela Stewart smiles benignly on the argument as she did when Blair was harangued on election TV by a woman whose partner had been put on a hospital trolley.
Truth is the first victim of war. This time it`s mine. Vow to sulk unless the updated diary is published this week. Which it is but still very heavily censored to cut out anything critical of the government, Tony Blair, Tommy MacAvoy, John Reid, Peter Mandelson, or any other Labour Apparatchaps.
Wednesday 26 March
What do we do now? Daft to oppose a war we can`t stop once started. Yet party members are resigning in droves and the Party Chairman, who should relay Party views to Cabinet, sees it as head-butting the Party into submission. Why can`t they fight the war on a PFI and bring contractors in? If privatisation works it could set a shining example here! The Crapita Expeditionary Force.
Friday 28 March
Grimsby Labour Party GMC. Accused by Chris Dixon of cowardice in the face of the enemy. Most of the Party are against the war. Most of Grimsby for it. I hope they accepted my argument that abstention was an honest answer to an insolvable problem. All over by Easter remains my bet. They look doubtful.
Sunday 30 March
The Grimsby Telegraph throws a party for mothers of troops serving in the Gulf for Mothering Sunday. A very moving event. All are very anxious. One denounces me for not voting for war. Most accept that it`s an American war. A few are critical of Bush. All view it as a job that has to be done by their sons and daughters. They`re proud but confused by the massive TV coverage. One woman won`t let her kids watch. It`s overkill. Oops!
Week Two
Commons treading water. Nothing left to do but wait, though the babble of mood changing correspondents make it look as if it`s not going as well as the new crusaders hoped. No dancing in any Iraqi streets.
Friday 4 April
Ice flows begin to break. Tide turns and the media are exultant. Grimsby more weary. Grimsby Chamber of Trade, having been told I`m going to do a Basil Fawlty and not mention the war, ask questions about nothing else. They seem fairly critical. Blair has made John Reid leader of the House. A misjudgement like asking Vlad the Impaler to run a nursery. Ian McCartney is to be in charge of Post-War Reconstruction of the Labour Party. Another mistake. The ones leaving are middle-class intellectuals who`re not going to be conciliated by Ian. Perhaps we`ll have a new, cheaper membership so people can rejoin in order to resign. But party records are so bad no-one will know. Keir Hardie is still counted as a party member.
Monday 7 April
All over bar the looting. Is it time to transfer back to civilian duties and learn a new skill for Demob? Will loyalty and coolness under fire earn my long awaited promotion? The law of politics is "In death there is hope" and there are nine vacancies.
Peter Henessy tells me Blair will be out by autumn, destroyed by friendly fire. Don`t agree. If he can con the Party into this he can persuade us to anything and even con us into feeling good about Europe and joining the Euro in the Post-War Reconstruction of his position. The Great Persuader is capable of keeping several totally incompatible enthusiasms running in his head and leaping from one to another, however contradictory. Matthew Parris thinks that makes him a con man. I don`t. He means it, how he means it, at the time. Whatever "it" happens to be at the moment. Yet in the constantly changing reasons for war - mission leapfrog - he`s stuck to the point that it`s to get rid of Weapons of Mass Destruction. They better find some or at least a Dear Saddam letter from Osama or it`s an early Baath for Blair.
Yet he`s so overused his persuasive powers that he`s getting over-confident in them. Surrounding himself with creeps and giving the appearance of not listening to anyone. That`s paradoxical. He listens well but doesn`t do anything about it. He`s listening only to persuade and now thinks he can persuade anyone to anything. "Trust me".
He`s damaged goods for us but the Americans would love to have him as a nicer Bush and the Tories want to hire him because he`s a better conservative than they have. Or perhaps a Blair coalition of the Tories and New Labour. "We`re all conservatives now!"
Tuesday 8 April
Hugh Dyke, Lib Dem MEP, tells me they hate us in Europe and hate the US even more. Good. It`ll make it more difficult to put Humpty together again. Karl Rove has persuaded Bush that Eternal War for Eternal Peace pays electoral dividends, splits the Dems and wins elections but European attitudes to him are snobbish condescension. I support the American Alliance. It`s the only Super Power now the two power world has ended. It`s a force for good and we need to persuade it to work with the world and with the grain, not unilaterally. |
