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This is the half year of the two PMs. Tony goes after the May elections. Gordon comes in unopposed. Everything goes on the same as before.
It`s worrying. We need change: a new start. Instead we`ll get the great merging. Gordon becomes Tony: like Animal Farm. Policies weld together seamlessly. We pretend nothing`s happened. Yet something needs to.
Saturday 11 November To the inauguration of the New Zealand War Memorial. No more military interventions by NZ this year. The entire Defence budget has been spent ferrying plane loads of top brass, hundreds of Vets and lots of politicians to London.
It`s a fitting tribute to a nation which has made huge sacrifices for Britain. In 1939 they declared war on Germany before us. Thanks to the time zones NZ faced the might of the Nazi war machine alone.
Think back sadly to the dwindling bands of Gallipoli Vets I filmed at Anzac parades in the Sixties. Now there are none left.
The inauguration was a splendid occasion, but I felt sorry for the Maori dancing round in grass skirts in London`s freezing cold.
Sunday 12 November Back to Grimsby for Remembrance Sunday. Every MP will be at their local cenotaph today. These appearances are so important that Stonehouse rehearsed his “suicide” in Florida, went back to Walsall for the Cenotaph ceremony, then back to Florida for the suicide proper. If I ever retire (which, bright young stars, please note I`m not going to) they`ll find me standing at the Grimsby cenotaph, dead but still erect, for years afterwards.
Wednesday 15 November State Opening. Take lots of photos of Tony in his last appearance, chatting amiably to Gordon. Next day the papers say he was aloof and they weren`t speaking. Such rubbish.
Tony`s last Queen`s Speech was a bummer. Old testament retribution where we need a big dose of New Testament.
My hereditary box is there as usual in the Sovereign’s entrance, but ruined this year by a big fat outrider plonked on his horse right in front of me. I have to climb dangerously up the wall to get good pictures of the Queen smiling. Which aren`t then used by the House Magazine! David Bayley never has to face such jealous obstructionism.
Thursday 16 November Eileen Wright`s party in the Speaker`s House to celebrate 200 years as a secretary in the Commons. Since most of her employers, like Matthew Paris, seem to have risen to success I ask her if she`ll work for me and boost my remorseless rise to power. Sadly she doesn`t do socialism.
Friday 17 November To dinner with Mr. Yeung, Grimsby`s longest standing Chinese restaurant and entrepreneur. He`s not only done the longest painting in the world, and a huge fish painting for the Queen (the Palace thanked him for his “unusual gift”) but exercise videos, in one of which I starred doing his cross between Tai-Chi (or is it Lai Chi?) and Victor Sylvester. My dancing days are done so this year he asks me to try out his new healthy eating regime. It consists of no food, but a daily glass of vinegar and water.
Tuesday 21 November Long session with officials of the Department of Communities and Local Misgovernment about council housing finance. This is now dedicated to screwing council tenants to force them to vote for transfer. No housing drive can succeed unless councils take the lead but the government is still at war with them and dedicated to ownership when, in fact, we need much more public housing for rent to cater for those who can`t get on the escalator. Another area, like the Health Service, where we`re alienating what used to be a bedrock of Labour voters.
Wednesday 22 November Office chaos. My secretary had a baby in August. The Fees Office, after initially promising her maternity pay and me a replacement, belatedly refused it. Then it incompetently continued to pay her, so she didn`t claim benefit, and took the money out of my account. Now they want it back. I can`t afford to pay my staff who ungraciously refuse to work for nothing, and Sara`s gone into hiding. Meanwhile someone has stolen my Barclaycard and Travel Card and run up hundreds of pounds of spending on travel tickets and in Israel, all of it charged to me. Bankruptcy looms because the huge eighteenth century oak beam that supports my roof has cracked. The roof is falling in and the insurance won`t pay. As I stagger from crisis to chaos I hear the sound of insolvency practitioners hovering overhead. I wish I`d been nicer to them.
Friday 24 November Ministers have switched their attacks from Al-Qaida to the more terrifying Scot Nats led by Muktudor al Salmond. They`re creating another panic fear about Home Rule which apparently is more dangerous than terrorism. I don`t think Scotland will go, but we will have another long off again/on again saga. Like Quebec. This new “War on Nationalism” should be fun.
Saturday 25 November Three grandchildren to stay. One is now a teenager and so spends the weekend in bed. The youngest announces that he wants a lap top and steals five pounds in pennies from the piggy bank I`ve put aside for my retirement. The girl is a physical fitness freak who periodically tells me “You`re walking much better Granddad. Keep it up”.
Evening Dinner with Pakistani friends. The mother tells me that she arrived alone for an arranged marriage in 1968. Her husband to be was late at the airport. When he arrived she found he was twenty years older than her. Yet she`s lived happy ever after.
Sunday 26 November Engine conks out on my way south. No-one told me you had to put oil in Volvos. The garage announces that the engine is a gonner and a replacement engine will cost more than the car is worth. Bankruptcy looms ever larger.
Monday 27 November Finally get to London in my wife`s car for a meeting with Health and Home Office Ministers on the new immigration regulations on trainee medics. The regulations come in in April. I requested the meeting in May. It`s finally held today. Twenty representatives of different medical organisations turn up to denounce the regulations. Lord Warner listens. Liam Byrne appears bored stiff, arrives late and leaves early. One of the officials tells me the meeting would have been more useful months back. Why didn`t they consult before they threw the whole pattern of training into chaos?
Wednesday 29 November Frantic day. The Scrutiny Committee for North East Lincolnshire comes down to watch the Public accounts Committee in action. We put on a show of BBC bashing for them. I try to entertain them while dashing from meeting to meeting pursued by telephone calls from Tommy McAvoy demanding my presence to discuss my vote tonight. Which in my frantic rush I finally miss anyway because it comes early. Tommy tells me my career prospects have not been enhanced.
This is all a chaotic start to what will be six dreadful months. We`ll be asked to jump through Tony`s hoops to build the legacy. We`ll have to shoulder the legacy of Tony`s huge debts for the Olympics, Iraq, Afghanistan and the hugely increased contributions to the EU he`s leaving us with. These will be merged then with Gordon`s debts on PFIs and NHS overruns. Why can`t mine be smuggled into the mix? The personalities, policies and debts of our leaders are being merged into New Blownism. That looks to me like the surest way to provoke an alternative leader candidate from the left. It`s all designed to preclude a candidate from the right but it`s upsetting for that large section of the party which wants change and won`t help with an electorate growing tired of us. What with the Bank of England committed to squeezing the life out of the economy, none of this looks like good times ahead to me. Except for Philip Cowley and Polly Toynbee and the insolvency practitioners in charge of my bankruptcy I`m left to dispose of a Volvo that won`t go, a collapsing house and unpaid bills for staff. Is suicide an option?. |
